i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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