the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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