I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
