You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
