i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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