Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
