She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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