he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
