omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
