eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
And then he peed in my hair
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