i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
