Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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