my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
