I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
