I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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