all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
