the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
