Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
