The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
