ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
