There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
