Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
