I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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