If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
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