My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
