We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
