walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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