Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
