1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
