just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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