somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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