dude i'm inner monologue high
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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