My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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