Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
