my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
