Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
