have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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