I'm going to jail i love you
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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