i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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