he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
