batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
