i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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