i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
