trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
