I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
