i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
