So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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