i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
