Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
