So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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